Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
You seem a little mer-mad.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
You are one well-defined function!
I dreamt about you. You died.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
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