It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Your lab or my lab?
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
I hope for world peas.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
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