“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.

You look like trash, may I take you out?

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!

What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.

Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker

Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower

That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.

I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.

Seed between the lines.

There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded

What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.

What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!

What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.

Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.

I can heartly wait to see you.

"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."

We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!

Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.

What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.

Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"

What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?

Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!

Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.