I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
You're just my cup of tea!
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
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