I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.

A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".

What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.

Woah! You look like I need a drink.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.

What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards

The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.

Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.

Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!

I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"

What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.

What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.

Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...

What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.

What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.

Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.

Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.

“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.

Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller