Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
I Tour de Francy you.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
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