Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I fence-y you.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
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