Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
For instant fun, just add water.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
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