Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
You can stand under my umbrella.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
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