How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
I loaf you.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
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