Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What a spud muffin.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
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