How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
You set my heart bonfire.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Go to BabaMail
