"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
You really mermaid my day.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I love you dairy much.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
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