Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
I can score from multiple positions.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Time to celery-brate.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Let's boomerbang!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"Reti or not, here I come!"
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
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