The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
I would part the Red Sea for you.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Dublin over in laughter.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
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