I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Whale, hello there.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
I couldn't chair less!
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
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