Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.

Can I slip one past your goalie?

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA

Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey

Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!

Why did the girl break up with the boy?

He was driving her crazy!

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.

Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!

What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.

I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?

What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.

How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.

What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”

I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.

What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.

What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.

I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.

A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.

If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams

How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.

If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.

How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”

What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!

It takes one to snow one.

Why are cars so cheeky?

Because they are fuel of it.

Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!

What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.

I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.

“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous

Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.