You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
You have a pizza my heart.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
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