I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
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