Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
"Partners in wine."
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
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