What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Snow thank you.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
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