What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
"I mead more wine."
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Tropic like it's hot.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
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