Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Wish upon a starfish.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Broken pencils are pointless.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
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