What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
You're as hot as a desert summer.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Namastay here or come home with me?
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Love me do
You are pitcher perfect.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
I whale always love you.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
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