What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
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