What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
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