I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I think we need to become better strangers.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
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