Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
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