What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
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