How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
I’m soy
into you.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
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