What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
You’re my pot of gold.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
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