Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.

I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.

Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.

Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.

Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.

How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.

"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"

- Sadhana Yoga

This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!

Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Egg-Plant a kiss on me.

“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton

What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.

How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!

I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.

What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.

“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”

- Phil Pastoret.

What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.

Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.

What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.

What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.

What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.

Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!

What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.