What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
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