This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
You're hotter than a data center!
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
"No wine left behind."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
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