What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Time to spruce things up.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
That’s a-may-zing!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
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