I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
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