What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
You’re my lucky charm.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
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