"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”

I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.

Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.

Practice safe text: use commas.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.

Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!

Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!

"Giving you more reasons to wine."

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.

"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.

How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!

What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.

What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.

Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.

If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.

I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.

What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”

Fancy a climb? Mount me in.

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.