How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
It was mitten in the stars.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
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