Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
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