Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
"Back that glass up."
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
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