“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Your beauty is blinding.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
"You crack me up."
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
You’re wine in a million.
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