What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
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