What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
You are my raisin to smile.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Every piece of you is sweet.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
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