Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.

Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!

What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.

Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.

The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!

What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.

“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”

On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.

Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.

What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.

What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.

You’re my lucky charm.

A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.

Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets

Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.

How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’

I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".

Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.

I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.

What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.

What

Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.

My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.