There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
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