“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
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