What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
You just caused a heat wave.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
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