"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"What an egg-citing day."
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
The huddle is real
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
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