Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Join us for a slice of fun.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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