“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Go to BabaMail
