What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
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