My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.

Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.

Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.

My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson

You're my missing ingredient.

Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!

Eat, drink and be rosemary.

What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig

Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!

A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends

I have no shelf control.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.

During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.

Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?

Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.

What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.

What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.

What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic