The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
"It's not me, it's you!"
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
I yam what I yam.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
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