What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!

Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.

Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.

A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.

Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.

My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.

What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.

Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.

How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.

Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

- Dorothy Parker.

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.

Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.

Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.

If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?

A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.

What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.

What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.

Are you a human? Just making sure.

Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?

Things ran more fluidly.

What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!

“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown

What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.

Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.

Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.

How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"