What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
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