My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
It's ice to meet you.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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