Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
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