Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
He threw three free throws.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Stay true to your shelf.
I less than three you.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
I Ecuador you.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
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