Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I'd love to see you s'more.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
All punts are highly intended
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
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