I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
I only have ice for you.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
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