Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Dublin’ the fun.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
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