Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
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