My fridge is hotter than you.
Let's Taco about love.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
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