Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
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