If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
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