“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
If you were here, Abby all over you
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
You’re my pot of gold.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
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