While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I whale-y like you.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
We’re a perfect mash.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
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