Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
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