What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I think you are just A-Cora-able
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
You have been running through my mind all day.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
You had me at ruff.
Whatever floats your goat.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
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