I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
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