A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
When are you going to invite me to church?
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
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