I eat eel while you peel eel

Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?

What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”

My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.

Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.

Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.

I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."

I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.

What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.

What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.

I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute

My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.

What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.

We're donion rings.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.

Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!

“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”

I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.

What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance

What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.

What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!

How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.

Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?

Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.

A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"

Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.

What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"

How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)