What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

I think you’re pretty Stella-r

You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege

Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.

Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!

What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.

Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!

My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.

What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.

What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!

"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."

Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

- Joan Crawford

Do you be-leaf in magic?

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.

What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.

My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.

You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?

What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.

What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.

Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.

What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.

What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French

Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.

What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!

Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.

What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.

“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.

What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!