There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
"Dying to have fun."
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
I’m kind of a big dill.
"Aloe you vera much."
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Wanna see my world cup in action?
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
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