How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Having a ball
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
Hello there, how do you brew?
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
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