What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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