Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
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