Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I wanna bob for your apples.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
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