I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
"Hey there, hop stuff."
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Please, please me
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
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