Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
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