Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.

Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!

What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.

I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.

Hello Boo-tiful.

My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.

What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.

Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.

I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.

Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.

“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine

Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.

How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!

If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.

We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.

What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!

Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest

I get a real kick out of you.

What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.

Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.

Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.

Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.

What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!

The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.

It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.

In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.

Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!

I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.

"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson

Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.

What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.

I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?

What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW